Gay man goes straight

For Man #4, this involved acknowledging and validating feelings of sadness or confusion related to:

• Lost Expectations: The future he had unconsciously planned, perhaps involving a heterosexual marriage or family structure.
• The ‘Road Not Taken’: Mourning the path he thought he was on, even if it wasn’t truly authentic.

Following this essential grieving process comes the powerful celebration of an authentic gay identity.

Even if this life was never fully lived or truly desired, the shedding of an assumed identity can feel like a profound loss – of expectations, of certain relationship paradigms, or of an imagined future. They didn’t confuse the acts with their sexual identity. Man #5, Alex, experienced just such a journey, discovering a profound liberation in understanding his sexual identity as fluid, stretching beyond the boundaries of fixed labels.

Freedom to love whom he loved, to express himself authentically, and to define his own happiness on his own terms.

Lessons Learned About Self-Discovery and the Continuous Evolution of Identity

Alex’s story offers powerful insights into the nature of identity and personal growth:

• Identity is not static: It’s a living, breathing aspect of who we are, capable of evolving throughout our lives.
• Labels can be tools, not prisons: While labels can offer community and understanding, they should not restrict genuine self-expression.
• Authenticity is a process: It’s not a destination but a continuous journey of self-discovery and honest living.
• Self-compassion is crucial: Navigating these shifts requires kindness and patience with oneself.

Becoming a Role Model and Advocating for Greater Understanding and Acceptance

Now, living an openly fluid life, Alex has become an unwitting role model for others, particularly for men grappling with their own complex identities.

Man #3’s journey mirrored this experience; after years of living a life that didn’t fully align with his true self, he found himself feeling profoundly isolated, an outsider in his own world. When he identified as straight, he felt pressure to be a "provider" or "protector." When he identified as gay, he felt pressure to fit into specific archetypes within the gay community.

Embracing fluidity showed him that these expectations were external constructs, not inherent truths.

In other words, I like to say, “We’re not only what we orgasm.”

But who decided that a straight guy can’t have a homoerotic fantasy and even sexual contact with other men? Within the supportive embrace of his new tribe, Man #3 found solidarity. Your story matters, and embracing your authentic self is the most powerful act of self-love.

They may have been sexually abused by a man as a child, and the urges they feel are the product of the trauma they endured. They just want to know if they are unconsciously gay or bi.

3. While these men don’t believe that they’re gay or bisexual, others—unfortunately including other therapists and even other gay and bisexual men—will insist that they’re truly gay or bi and simply in denial about it, in other words, closeted.

Their own identity, as a spouse and parent, is suddenly challenged. When everyone around you—family, media, school—presents one path as the only path, it’s natural to interpret any deviation as a personal flaw or a meaningless quirk rather than a fundamental aspect of your identity. He looked to labels, to the reactions of friends and family, and to societal norms to confirm his identity and worth.

But there’s one label that isn’t bringing community or helping people feel at home: “male sexual fluidity.” When it comes to this label, it appears we’re still caught up in some cultural prejudices and stigmatization. The pervasive influence of societal heteronormativity and rigid gender role expectations often creates a powerful current, subtly guiding us away from introspection and delaying the profound journey of self-discovery.

Yet, amidst these pressures, a powerful truth emerges: sexual identity is not always a binary, static concept. For countless adults, particularly men, navigating sexual identity fluidity in later life is a brave, transformative journey, not an anomaly to be hushed or dismissed.

Should we suspect them of actually being straight or bi?

Sex for Money: Some men identifying as straight have sex with other men for money, calling themselves “cash-sexuals,” because it’s not the sex that turns them on, rather the money and the power they feel of having control over someone’s wallet.