Gay men in straight marriages
Home / gay topics / Gay men in straight marriages
I feel incredible guilt for hiding these things from my wife for so long, even when I believed it was in her best interest. Dale assured Shelly that’s not what he wanted.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Shelly recalled Dale saying.
But Shelly was afraid of the future.
“I literally Googled, ‘My husband is gay. Mia consulted their priest, conducted extensive research on the Internet, and identified a reparative therapist to help him “overcome” his homosexual impulses.
This leaves the straight spouse feeling isolated and alone, with no one she (or he) feels it is safe to speak to about it. Being a man was dangerous. The conversation was difficult, but both were empathic with the other and honest about their own needs. Hearing how many of these women had experienced vicious, personal attacks by their spouses shocked me.
Not only was he dealing with what every divorced person deals with upon entering the world as a single person again, but he was entering the world as an available, out, gay man. That is not my intent.
My father died in a farm accident when I was 3 years old, creating a cloud that cast a dark shadow over me for most of my early life. When promises to give up the offending behavior—however sincere they were made—are broken repeatedly, it not only negates any apology but completely undermines the trust that is the basis of all good relationships.
Pain happens in all relationships, but all of our life experiences contribute to how resilient we are in dealing with that pain. Lavender marriages fall under that category, but most often they take the form of a bisexual cisgender woman marrying a straight cis man. Her comment made me angry and defensive.
I really am sorry for your pain.
Dale’s boyfriend is part of the family, Shelly said. Whether or not it was denial or simply naiveté—however silly that may seem now—many of those couples believed that being in a heterosexual marriage would fix the problem, and our culture supported that. In the same conversation, Mia shared that she’d decided months ago to seek a divorce.
As Rob’s divorce was being finalized, his dating turned into a serious relationship, but it soon ended.
He doesn’t think people realize how many challenges and struggles they go through until a professional points them out, or until a huge life event happens.
“My coming out really realized how much we needed to do that together,” he said.
Faith journeys
Beyond what was happening at home and hearth was a religious struggle that Shelly and Dale both experienced.
They were both Methodists, and their journey followed the same path.
I am truly sorry for your pain.
LGBTQ+ people have historically challenged relationship structures, whether through lavender marriages – wherein gay men and women marry each other to appeal to heteronormative standards but otherwise date separately – or polyamory.
There’s another often stigmatized relationship structure that was famously featured in the 2005 film Brokeback Mountain: gay men married to straight wives.
Relationships where those involved do not have the same sexual orientation are called mixed-orientation relationships, said Allen Mallory, assistant professor of human development at The Ohio State University.
I myself could have provided Rob with this information in individual or couples therapy, but hearing it from other men who were negotiating some of the same concerns as his allowed him to hear these options as realities, instead of theories. “Not until years of therapy did it really become okay.”
She was “so fearful” that Dale would decide that he wanted a divorce, but the passage of time has proven that Dale has kept his promise to not go anywhere.
A lavender marriage feels like a marriage of convenience versus a marriage of just true pure love like ours."
He previously told BI that he finds Greenstone "very beautiful" and that their physical intimacy is "so much deeper and richer and more fulfilling" because his attraction to her isn't just "surface level."
Hoff identifies as gay and says his attraction to Greenstone is a 'one-off'
The marriage hasn't changed anything for Hoff and Greenstone other than solidifying their "spiritual" connection with a contract.
Hoff said it's made other people take them more seriously.
I can’t be all of who I am anywhere. And their therapist would help them set relationship goals and work towards them – something both Dale and Shelly were grateful for.
The new challenge in the relationship helped Shelly grow as a person.